Dialogue: A Quantum Conversation

Discovering Dialogue
by LeRoy Harvey

From Casual Conversation…

Many of us have experienced dialogue with friends, family, classmates, or co-workers. Dialogue occurs naturally in casual conversations. It happens around the copy machine, the breakfast table, the playground, and the coffee pot. We begin talking about an interest or issue. Soon, others join in -- with humor, passion, insights, questions, and new ideas to share. It has only been in the past few years, that dialogue has received a great deal of attention as an important learning tool for teams, organizations, communities, and even friends and families.

"Suppose we were able to share meanings freely without a compulsive urge to impose our view or to conform to those of others and without distortion and self-deception. Would this not constitute a real revolution in culture?"

David Bohm, Physicist

Dialogue vs Debate

A helpful way to understand dialogue is to contrast it with debate:

Dialogue

Learn and discover

ask questions

explore multiple perspectives

uncover and question assumptions

consider both/and

suspend judgement

respect

Debate

tell and sell, "I know"

justify and defend

gain agreement on one perspective

defend assumptions

consider either or

judge right or wrong

power

For a good dialogue, it is helpful to create a "safe place" where people feel comfortable enough to explore ideas…

"By learning how to identify our assumptions, we can also explore differences with others, work to build common ground and consensus, and get to the bottom of core misunderstandings and differences."

The Dialogue Group

Seek first to understand…

The Dialogue Group suggests four key elements of dialogue:

Suspension of Judgment
Suspension of judgment is one of the hardest aspects of dialogue because judgment is so ingrained in our thinking. By releasing our tendency to label and judge, we are freer to listen and expand our understanding. When we agree not to judge, we create a safer space in which others feel more willing to engage in the conversation.

Assumption Identification

You've heard the one about "seeing the forest through the trees." It is difficult to understand the whole by focusing on the parts. Often, our problems occur because we are blind to the beliefs and assumptions which have caused their occurrence. Dialogue can help us uncover these assumptions and recognize connections, solutions, and evolving "big picture" that are difficult to see alone.

Inquiry and Reflection

Asking open-ended questions is a key to explore assumptions and beliefs. It is a way to unlock creativity and broaden perspective. Asking and answering questions helps to transcend the black/white, right/wrong, competitive, expert, teacher, hierarchical, and us vs. them frame of mind. Inquiry works best when we understand that we are building meaning together.

When dialogue is successful, information sharing, ideas, questions, and creativity emerge rapidly. Reflection provides the opportunity to review and connect what has been said. Reflection also provides the opportunity to slow down and collect our thoughts.

Listening

Good listening is both an active and passive skill. It takes effort to really hear and digest what is being said. Dialogue specialists encourage us to listen to our own thoughts and mental responses as well. Genuine listening builds trust and respect.

Dialogue Behaviors

Focus on learning. Our intention in dialogue is to learn to from each other, to expand our view and understanding, not to evaluate and determine who has the "best" view. When focused on learning we tend to ask more questions and try new things.

Suspend status. No one perspective is more important than any other. Dialogue is about power with, not power over or power under.

Listen non-judgmentally. When we listen and suspend judgment, it is easier for others to listen and participate. Some times it is helpful to "hold the tension" of apparently contradictory ideas without judging or trying to resolve this tension.

Respect differences. Mutual respect rests on the knowledge that everyone has an important and essential contribution to make and is to be honored for their unique perspective.

Balance inquiry and advocacy. Dialogue seeks to discover and understand perspectives. Because we tend to advocate our positions, it is suggested that we bring more inquiry into the conversation.

Tips to Try

Dialogue slows down communication in a group and opens up space for listening, reflecting, and seeing new connections. Often, one to four questions are decided on by the group and listed for everyone to see. In new dialogue groups, it can be helpful to agree on some ground rules ahead of time. These may include versions of the following:

Sit in a circle
Obtain a speaking stick (or other object) before speaking and pass it in a circle.
Limit your comments to a 2-3 minute maximum.
Speak a second time only after everyone has spoken once.
Allow silence of at least 10 seconds after someone has spoken.
If the dialogue moves to a back-an-forth discussion, the facilitator (or other group member) may suggest realignment or reflection on process.
At the end of the dialogue, each person takes a turn to reflect on what they've learned or the process.
It is helpful to have a recorder taking notes.

"If, deep inside ourselves, and in our approach to others, we replace knowing with finding out, answers with questions, winning or loosing with sharing, inequality with equality, power with respect and reverence, and proving points with exploring possibilities and listening, then I think we really could change ourselves and our world."

Danah Zohar

Other Thoughts

Through dialogue, we attempt to go beyond our preconceived notions of reality, beyond words, to get in touch with new possibilities and ways of looking at issues and situations. Listen gently. Try and go beyond the words to the ideas unfolding through the conversation.

Consultant John Adams suggests a very simple way to describe dialogue (inspired by Harrison Owen):

"Dialogue is people truly listening to people truly speaking."

Here are some related guidelines for dialogue from http://www.co-intelligence.org/P-dialogue.html:

We talk about what's really important to us.
We really listen to each other. We see how thoroughly we can understand each other's views and experience.
We say what's true for us without making each other wrong.
We see what we can learn together by exploring things together.
We avoid monopolizing the conversation. We make sure everyone has a chance to speak.

References:

Ellinor, L., and G. Gerard. Dialogue: Rediscover the Transforming Power of Conversation. 1998. New York: Wiley & Sons, Inc.

Isaacs, W. Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together: A Pioneering Approach to Communicating in Business and in Life. 1999. New York: Random House, Inc.

Thanks to Frank Fear, Lela Vandenberg, and John Victory for their assistance.

Please send comments to LeRoy Harvey at leroy@leroyharvey.net